The How's and the Why's

Today I stood with a phone to my ear, my overbooked calendar on the counter, and three (yes, all three) children crying simultaneously.  It's been a rough day for me.  Laura has a cold, which has been keeping us awake in the night.  Teacher Man went back to school this morning after treating me like a queen all week (spring break was last week).  Ben and Caleb were in "daddy detox" as well as "Easter festivities detox."  All this added up to make this an unexpectedly ugly morning.  At noon, when I stood on the phone, un-showered, still wearing my pajamas and trying to keep up with normal emergency moments involved in raising 3 kids under 5, I let myself have a good cry.  Because THE question came up on the phone.  The question that has been asked of us at least five different times this weekend: Are you done having kids?

Wow. Great timing.  I love having this conversation with close friends. No sarcasm.  I really do. What is God calling us to?  Is another baby in the future?  Is the inn full?  But I have no idea how to grapple with the question in my own life.

When we had Caleb, it was easy to judge people who said that they didn't want more kids.  Not want more kids?!?!  Are you crazy?!?!  How could you say "no" to a beautiful blessing?  A new little life grafted into your family through birth or adoption?  What could be more precious?

Yet, here I stand.  Three kids down, who-knows-how-many-more to go, and the question gets more tricky. How would life look if we outgrew a minivan?  How many little ones will fit in our walls?  How will we educate or facilitate the education of each of our children?  How?  How?  How?

However...it's becoming amazingly clear to me that the how's have never ever been the bottom line in the Kingdom.  It is the why's.  In every story, God took care of the logistics when the people involved were humble and sought His face.  So for today, I will focus only on why I am raising my children... why I am living: to bring glory to God and to enjoy Him. Oh, that my children will one day delight themselves in the Lord and live lives that bring Him glory!

And the how for that why for today is this: I will listen to God's voice to me in Scripture. I will love the children that I've been given.  I will read to them.  I will wipe their noses (and a few other parts).  I will listen to their hearts.  I will feed their minds and their bodies.  I will pray for them.  I will not miss the gift that this moment of life is.

And I will love lavishly on these people.

Because I don't know right now how many children God will gift to our family.  I only know that we have been gifted with three incredible human beings who have infinite potential in the Kingdom, and I want to live a life worthy of these blessings that have been entrusted to our home.

The Baby Haze

My goodness have I had blog posts on my mind!  As I am perpetually feeding a baby, loving on the boys, and figuring out this whole "I have three kids" thing; I keep coming up with GREAT post ideas.  Things I want to share.  Things that are working so well for our family right now.  Things that are not working at all.  Concepts we are still struggling through as we raise a preschooler who is quickly becoming school-age, a toddler that is acting more like a preschooler, and a newborn that we are just getting to know.

But here's the deal: it is still very much survival mode around here.  People are still bringing us dinner, taking the big boys so I can sleep, and picking up my groceries.  I am still napping in the afternoons, going to bed right after dinner so I can get enough sleep by morning, and nursing constantly.  We feel very loved and incredibly supported by the hands and feet of the Body, but we are definitely giving thanks for the daily provision the Lord gives us.  Just enough for that day.  And with just enough time to feed the baby, get much-needed rest, and care for the beautiful boys that we have; there just aren't many/any two-hands-available moments in the day. 

Someday soon I'll be able to share the incredible story of Laura's birth and a few of the sweet moments of the last 4 weeks (Yes, it's been four weeks!). Until then, we deeply appreciate your prayers as we continue adjusting to nurturing a family of five.  Keep 'em coming, please!  And thank you!

What's in a name?

When it comes to naming our children, the names have just clicked.  I mean it.  One minute Teacher Man and I are going through a list of possible names; the next minute we have permanently named a human life.  No turning back.  No need.  It's not that we take the job lightly.  It's just been an incredibly clear, peace-filled decision each and every time.

When I was only few weeks pregnant with our first son, we had already narrowed the name list down to four or five names.  Then one evening as I was watching Sarah, Plain and Tall and grading a mountain of papers, I fell in love with the name Caleb (yes, the little boy in the movie is named Caleb).  At one point in the movie, the little boy says, "Caleb means bold."  For that season in our life, we needed boldness.  We needed the courage of the Biblical Caleb too... the courage to face giants with faith in the God who is so much bigger.  Even Caleb's middle name was clear.  Teacher Man was very young when he lost his father.  Honoring Wes's memory with his first grandson just fit.  So Caleb Wesley it was. Click. Done.  So right.

Our second son was even easier.  Every engaged couple has to jump through the hoops of premarital counseling before hitting the altar, but Teacher Man and I were honored to have his former youth pastor walk alongside us through those months before we were married and then continue to mentor us after our "I do's."  This man had stepped into Teacher Man's life throughout junior high and high school to be a father to my fatherless husband.  I cannot thank him enough.  From teaching my husband to tie a tie to modeling how a man treats his wife, I owe a debt that can never be repaid to Pastor Ben.  Thus, Benjamin was named, and Benjamin was given Teacher Man's middle name.  Click.  Done.  So right.

Our daughter has been the hardest to name.  The boys were named within a few weeks of a positive pregnancy test.  I think I was past 20-weeks pregnant when we finally settled, but her name so fitly honors three women in my life that there was no question in our minds of its rightness.

My maternal grandmother Laura shaped my life in more ways than I can count.  She was a woman of the Word, a faithful wife for almost sixty years, creative in more ways than I ever knew, and one of my favorite people.  I could think of no better way to honor a life well-lived than to give her name to our first daughter.

My paternal grandmother I know by reputation and photographs alone as a godly, kind woman.  When I was not yet one year old, Grandma Helen lost her battle with breast cancer but won the victory in Jesus.  The French would say "Helen" as "Elaine."  I said it aloud once... Laura Elaine.  And then I remembered...

A very special woman named Laura Elaine changed my life.  During my time as a teacher in Argentina, this Laura mentored me weekly in the Word of God.  She placed books in my hands, asked big questions that demanded answers, and found time to just sit with me over precious cups of imported Starbucks coffee.  My beliefs, my family, my life have been forever changed by the time that she invested in my life over seven years ago.  And the humbling truth is that she and her family still pray for our family each and every month.

Laura... the name means "glory, honor."  Elaine means "light."  Oh, may our daughter be one who brings glory and honor to the Light of the World.  May she benefit from the investments that each of these faithful women made in my life.  Click. Done.  So right.

Welcome to the world, Laura Elaine!

I never thought...

I never thought I would have a daughter.

When the Lord gives you two sons in a row, 23 months apart, you get stuck in the mindset of raising men, constructing train tracks, refereeing wrestling matches.  You get used to shunning the pink section of the baby department, knowing it's not for you.  It's for those other moms.  The ones who can do hair and tie bows.  The ones who have been given daughters.

I was sure that would never be me.  But there it was on the ultrasound screen. "It looks like a girl."

My first response, "Are you sure?  Could you check again?"

"I'll check again, but it's pretty clear.  You're having a girl."

My second response: mental panic.  I don't know how to do hair.  To dress a girl.  And then bigger panic.  I don't know how to help her see her great worth when so often I am blind to my own.  To hold her hand as she navigates a world of confusing messages, so many of them attacking the soul of who God made her to be.  I'm pretty sure that this momma is still wading through those deep waters, still grappling to discern truth from fiction.

But then peace.  Jehovah does not give as the world gives.  In this world we receive tasks as we show ourselves worthy, as we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and prove our value.  But in His Kingdom, He lavishly gives good gifts, and then He supplies the grace we need to follow Him in obedience and in caring for those gifts, even the precious little gifts of life that He has placed deep within my being before bringing them into the light of this confusing world.

Do I feel better that her room is prepared and there are clean, pale pink shirts in her drawer? Yes.  But the bigger mountain I face, walking my girl through a world that has destroyed so many daughters of Eve,  I can't prepare for in an few months of momentous effort.  I have to journey hand-in-hand with my Savior, clinging to the truth of His Word, so that I have the strength to hold this little one's tiny grasp.

I don't know why I didn't feel this sense of urgency with the boys.  Perhaps in my mind boys are more resilient.  Perhaps I knew that my little men were looking to Teacher Man as their model, and he is so solid. So clear.  So confident.  Yet as important as her relationship with her daddy will be, I know she'll watch me to know what it is to be a woman.  Deeper: what it is to be a woman of the Word, to be a believer priestess.  And that challenges me to my core.

Knowing this is beyond my might, all I can do is lift up my hands for grace and say... thank you.  Thank you, Lord, that You are not content to leave me where I am.  Thank You for bringing me this girl child, who is already mining her way deep into my heart, exposing hurt and a immeasurable need for You.  Thank You for being sufficient, for healing those hurts, for redeeming the pain, for drawing me close into Your heart.  And thank You for the gift of a daughter, such a special delight in this house full of rowdy, wonderful boys.  Yes.  Thank You for this gift, more precious than we will ever know.

Her Room.

Her oldest brother tucked the blanket in himself.  Her grandmother brought the tiny sleeper.  Her great-great grandmother crocheted the blanket underneath, patterned it with nimble fingers for her mother... for me.

They fly above her crib, waiting to dance for her.

The Words of life dance too, a reminder of the Word that we pray will one day captivate her heart.

And His names: Jesus, Messiah, Comforter.  These names hover over her resting place.

Reminders more for her parents than for the wee one who cannot yet read them.  

Keep calm and count on.  Keep counting the gifts.  Keep reminding her that she is a precious gift.  Keep pointing her back to the great Gift Giver.

And, yes, in everything, even the 2 a.m. feedings, give thanks.  Give eucharisteo.

The purple blanket waits to keep her snug and warm, handcrafted by her great-grandmother to nestle her mother in its folds.  Though this small child will never know the beautiful soul of her great-grandma, she will know her legacy and will be wrapped in the love passed on.

Jars from her great-grandmother's kitchen.  May this small one grow be a woman of noble character who follows in the same godly footsteps.

Shelves from her mother's bedroom that once held the trinkets and tokens of dreams now realized... Now these wooden planks wait to hold those things most precious to her small, girlish heart.

And another reminder: yes, even her inmost being has been created by a Loving Father who knows her fully.

Little girl, your room is waiting.  Waiting for you to enter the world.  To take your first breath of air.  To dance before your Maker.  To give your earthly mother and father yet one more reason to return thanks.

How a Type-A Mama Prepares for Birth

All my friends are cracking up at that title.  I'm a psycho.  I know it.  I like to double check every detail... of everything.  Okay... triple check.  As much as I'd love to say that getting ready for a third child has given me permission to just chill out, I still have a long way to go.  Just ask Teacher Man. He's been witness to the psychosis during his entire Christmas break.  Are you ready for this crazy list of behaviors he is observing?  Here goes...

I stockpile.  Like a chipmunk preparing for winter.  Right now our family has enough toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, laundry soap, dishwasher detergent, personal care products, and household cleaners to get us through the first few months of life as a family of five.  I know.  I know.  The grocery store is right across the street, but I'm thinking that getting out with three children under the age of five in the middle of January will be a lot harder than just picking up some extras now.  A LOT harder.

I cook double.  I've been freezing a few extra casseroles and containers of soup.  I was way better at this before Benjamin was born.  Perhaps this is because we had more leftovers before Benjamin was born... hmmm....  I know I'll be grateful for each meal frozen when the busy days and long nights begin, but we have a freezer full of beef so I have limited space to hoard casseroles.  Limits are good.

I plan distractions.  Right now I have a basket full of surprises for the boys that can be pulled out only when I'm feeding baby sister.  I know my littler guy especially is going to struggle with sharing attention and time so I've got several things set aside to keep him busy during the hours that I'm nursing or catching a nap.  These distractions also include finally breaking down and investing in Amazon Prime.  Yes, I'm loving the two-day shipping; but I'm also really jazzed with all the seasons of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.  Way slower-paced than most of children's television produced these days, Mr. Rogers introduces my little guys to experiences and ideas in a gentle, non-threatening way.  And, yes, I'm pretty fascinated by the episodes where they explore how towels, crayons, graham crackers, etc. are made.

I keep the house current.  No telling when the next bathroom cleaning, bill paying, or laundry washing will be so I've been trying to stay on top of the household stuff so I can pay attention to all my little ones and not all my piles when I get home from the hospital.

I take my herbs and vitamins.  I think prenatal vitamins are pretty much amazing.  I rarely get sick when I'm pregnant, and I'm giving the vitamins all the credit.  Why I don't take them all the time, I have no idea.  Also, as I prepare for delivery, I've started taking evening primrose oil and red raspberry leaf supplements to prepare my body for a (hopefully) smooth and short delivery.

I purge.  If we don't use it (or haven't used it in years), it goes.  No, I didn't get rid of the fine china, and I still have closets of stuff to prove that I'm a novice purger.  However, I've gone through a ton of drawers and closets to make sure that the things that we do need and use are at easy access.  I've also gone through my closet so that all the comfy clothes are at easy access because let's face it, I will be wearing comfy pants for a long time.

I prepare the nursery.  Okay, this is where the type-A in me really breaks out.  For whatever reason, having a little girl just felt different.  I wanted to create a different space for her.  Something completely new, fresh, and a little feminine to welcome our daughter home.  After weeks of sewing, framing pictures, and crafting, I'm 95% done.  Sigh.  Teacher Man spent a very long night hanging picture frames, moving furniture, and helping me set up the nursery so it was just. right.  Bless him for humoring the perfectionist in me.  Pictures to come soon.

I focus more on training the boys for independent play.  This has not been as easy as I thought it would be (the story of parenting, right?), but they are doing so. much. better.  Ben now realizes that he is expected to share and to be gentler with toys and people.  Caleb is acting more like a loving leader and less like a short-tempered dictator.  I consider this to be success.  They also have come to the amazing discovery that they don't always have to play together.  It's okay for one to color and the other to play with dinosaurs.  As long as they're both playing nicely, I'm a happy momma.

I sleep.  It's not like I can help it.  At the end of the day, I can't keep my eyes open.  Often I'm so tired, I don't even hear the boys if they wake up.  Teacher Man takes more than his fair share of the night calls so I can get as much rest as possible.  Not knowing when I'll be spending a full night laboring makes sleep even more critical as we get closer to the end of the pregnant days.

I talk about the baby. a lot.  It's not like it doesn't come up in conversation... with every stranger I meet.  I'm almost 39 weeks pregnant today so I'm rather rotund, and everyone from the check-out gal to our postman wants to know when the big day will be.  Join the club.  But the best conversations about this sweet girl have been happening with my sons and with Teacher Man, sharing our dreams and hopes for her little life and talking candidly about how different our little home will be when we're a family of five.  Different in amazing and hard ways but so right. So so right.

Yep.  I'm nesting, but the happy truth is that I see my list of things to be done getting shorter and my excitement over welcoming this sweet babe growing.  My hospital bag is packed.  My guys are prepped.  Just waiting for my daughter and the God of the universe to pick her birthday, but while I wait... might as well snuggle just a little closer to my little men... and throw in another load of laundry.

When you know your day is in peril...

Sometimes I feel like my day has spun out of control before my feet have even hit the floor.  You know the days?  You can hear little animated voices already planning their adventures for the day even though you were planning to sleep for at least another twenty minutes.

I know it's Saturday.  It's the easy day, right?  But Teacher Man had to be at church for six hours of the day so "easy" might be taking it a little far.  I knew my day was in trouble when Teacher Man was getting ready to walk out the door.  The kitchen was a mess, the boys were both simultaneously asking/whining for different things, the laundry needed to be started, supper had to go in the slow cooker, over a hundred pounds of beef was on its way to my house, and I had not had any coffee.  I needed help fast.  So I began to count as I played catch-up.

164. Food to eat this morning.  I am so rich.
165. My sons. Precious gifts.  Best investment of five years. ever.
166. New books from the library... for all of us.
167. A meal shared last night, and the mess to prove it.
168. Warm clothing on a cold day.
169. A soft bed to rest on after a long pregnant day.
170. Beef.  It's what's for dinner, and it's filling up my freezer.  I know it will fill our bodies this winter.  How can we be so blessed?
171. Friends.  Who offer help.  God, give me the grace to accept help.
172. Clothes warm from the dryer.
173. Water.  Clean water.  So many today won't drink it, let alone shower in it.
174. Baby kicks.  This girl is itching to enter the world.  Never have I experienced a pregnancy like this one.  Never have I known the thrill of mothering a daughter.
175. Peace and quiet. Both boys rest. Ben has relief from his teething pain, at least for a nap.
176. Clearly spoken words. Ben requests water WITH ice in a tractor cup.  Well, okay then.
177. Sons who serve. Caleb picks up and carries so many small tasks.  His service in the little things makes a big difference in this momma's life.
178. Abundance of food.  I look at the freezer, my canned goods in the cupboard, and our refrigerator's stuffed shelves and can do nothing but breathe thanks.
179. A clean, safe home. The average family in 1950 had 1000 square feet of space.  I. have. enough.

And suddenly I have grace to share because I have taken time to recognize the grace I have received.  From graceless and empty to graceful and rich.  The counting was the quiet breath I needed to take before loving and serving the hearts in my home, not just appeasing the loudest voices. Even the one in my head that was demanding (not requesting) coffee.

The day took a different turn.  We read. a lot.  We played new games.  Both boys showed new maturity by sharing and loving each other well.  We biked together.  We raked together.  We took a little adventure trip.  And all the unimportant things (like eating and cleaning and not letting 100 lb. of beef thaw) got done too.  Amazing how that all works out.

Keep calm and count on, friends.